Pregnancy loss affects each women or couple differently, but for many it can be emotionally devastating. The feeling of disbelief, anger, guilt, and sadness are further complicated by the fact that there often isn’t anything tangible to grieve, leaving many parents wondering how they can feel so heartbroken about a child that hadn’t yet come into being. Often this makes the experience even more isolating. Worse is when an individual or couple turns to egg donation to create their family. The devastating news of a miscarriage is so much more devastating when you’ve put so much in monetarily thinking with egg donation you’ve increased your chance for a viable pregnancy by over 60%. At Creative Love Egg Donor Agency we understand firsthand the heartache and challenges a pregnancy loss can bring to the journey.
The last thing that anyone should feel after pregnancy loss, however, is alone. One in five known pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and it’s believed that nearly every sexually active woman will experience a miscarriage at some point during her reproductive years – she simply won’t know it because she won’t have been aware that she was pregnant in the first place. So if it’s possible, take small comfort in knowing that your aren’t alone in this experience. When you feel ready, reach out to others in your support network, particularly those who have dealt with similar losses. While I was on my infertility journey unfortunately I was faced with several miscarriage. Looking back I wish I would have reach out for better support being single.
Remember the grieving process doesn’t look the same for any two people, but it’s generally thought to ebb and flow through three major cycles: Shock or denial; Anger, guilt, or depression; and finally acceptance or peace. Grief often doesn’t have a definitive start or end point, and it’s possible to feel as if you’ve “recovered” for some time, only to find that a particular trigger will cause you to revisit part of that grieving process. This is not unusual, so don’t let the fact that you may occasionally still feel sad even years later become something that gives you anxiety or further burdens you.
If the overwhelming pain of your loss doesn’t seem to be improving over time, or if you find your grief growing more oppressive rather than having an increase number of good days, keep an open mind to seeking outside help. Having an unbiased, objective person to talk to when we’re feeling emotionally troubled is helpful in nearly all situations, and this is certainly true when dealing with something as huge and hurtful as a miscarriage.
If necessary, create a way to find closure. Perhaps that means gathering some of your pregnancy items and putting them away in a keepsake box. Perhaps you and your partner can visit a sacred place and read a poem or prayer in memory of the unborn baby you lost, as a way of honoring what might have been, of saying goodbye. Keep in mind, too, that some men and women experience the grieving process in markedly different ways, and that all people, regardless of their gender identification, handle loss uniquely. The most helpful way to move forward with your partner is to each communicate your needs and expectations as clearly and non-defensively as you are able. If this feels like too daunting a task, absolutely enlist a third party, such as a counselor, for temporary guidance and relief through the recovery process.
Perhaps most significantly, allow yourself to heal without trapping yourself in defeatist thinking, such as the idea that moving forward is the same thing as moving on. Every life is full of trials and heartbreak. These shape us and define us as much as any joy. But to recover or to regain our happiness after suffering a tragedy doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten what came before or who we left behind, it simply means that we’ve reframed ourselves after those experiences and that we are working to make it to the other side as someone stronger.Return to Blog